Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
