I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
