Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
