She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
