You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
