how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
