sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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