I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
