I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
