I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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