I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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