he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
