Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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