I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
