So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
