I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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