I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
