Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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