i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i out mim tonsoeep
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