I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
