How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
