He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
