When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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