You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
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1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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