Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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