i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
