Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
