he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
