It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
