Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
