A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
