i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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