WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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