Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
