so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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