I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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