so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
