haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
