it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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