Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
