Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
