Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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