I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
