Acid is not a monday night drug
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
