Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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