i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
