I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
