The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
