I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
