Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
