Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My apartment stinks of burning failure
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
