So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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