oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The Olympian is in my bed
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