I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
