Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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